In case you haven’t read it, take a minute to read Dawn’s makeup tutorial. She actually knows wtf she’s talking about. But dear God, that’s some fancy shit, isn’t it? If you are slightly white trash (like me) with babies falling all out your ass (like me) and you are cheap as hell (*sings* Like meeee) then you don’t have that kinda time [or self-respect.]
So, to show the other side of that coin, I decided I’d write up a little tutorial of my makeup routine. That I only do when I’m going somewhere fancy. Like Target. I have named it several things over the past 7 child-raising years. Behold: Walk of Shame Eyes. The Glam of the Morning After. IDGAF Eyes. The “At-least-I-did-something.” The “Someone pushed my face into a mattress last night and I didn’t wash it off before sleeping on it.”
For this blog post, I settled on “Dollar Tree Makeup.” (Because I got the whopping TWO pieces of makeup at the Dollar Tree. I think. I don’t actually remember because it was literally years ago. Let’s not ask questions. I definitely have, and will continue to, buy makeup at the Dollar Tree. Don’t judge me, you don’t know me.)
The cast of characters. (It’s overwhelming.)
e.l.f. Mascara and L.A. Colors Jumbo Eye Pencil. Yes. Same crap you got in play makeup kits when you were a kid. Whatever, if you’re reading this for actual tips, then you don’t have to make excuses. I get it, mama. You were getting paper plates and you saw the makeup. You balled out at the Dollar Tree. It happens.
Step 1: Draw a Sloppy Line.
Or a neat one, it doesn’t really matter. It’s ok that your hand is shaking from 5 coffees and 2 energy drinks. It doesn’t need to be straight. It just has to go along the bottom. Don’t even bother going all the way across. You don’t have time anyway. Get the other eye before moving onto the next step.
Step 2: Smear the Hell Outta That Shit.
Don’t wipe it off, but smear it all over your eyelid. If you screw it up and get it somewhere you shouldn’t (like your cheekbone or something) just wipe it off. Try to make sure it’s all the way down to eyelashes so that you don’t see un-makeup-ed skin along the edge. (I’m so good at these makeup terms.)
You can barely tell the makeup is even there in this picture, but someone told my phone to like, airbrush my skin and while I appreciate it, my phone does not yet understand it is wasted effort because this mama doesn’t give a shit about weird skin.
Step 3: Mascara
This is not really something I can walk you through if it’s foreign to you. You put the mascara stuffs on your eye hairs. (Or else you get the hose again.) Try not to get clumps. Fail at that and just try to get the clumps off as best you can. End up with eyelashes that look like tarantula legs. Decide you don’t give a shit and move on.
Blink a bunch because you poke your eye. Try to get the excess mascara all over your face off. Embrace it. That’s just who you are, now.
Also, can we talk about how the phone made my skin like, super clear? It’s August and I am covered in freckles and not really as pale as this. But you can’t tell in this picture. Thanks, auto-airbrushing? Whatever, I don’t care enough to try to turn it off either.
Step 4: Cover it up anyways.
It helps if you can put glasses on top of this shitty makeup job. So from a distance, it looks like you have smokey eye makeup. And from close up it kinda looks like you’ve had your makeup on for like 10 hours already. So it looks like you’re a mom who gets up and has her shit together enough to put makeup on in the morning. And that by the time you see anyone later, the day has just worn on you. Which is probably true anyways.
And should you be a tired mama (like me) and have no time to pluck your caterpillar eyebrows with like, a weed-wacker … the glasses help cover that mess up, too. (Also, I made the troll face in that picture. I didn’t even mean to. That’s just my face.)
If you have an extra 5 seconds, then pull down on your cheekbone and line the “waterline” (which is a term Dawn’s article taught me. At 35 years old. Had no idea.) If you do it thin, it’s still kinda normal looking, but if you do it thick you can do a heroin-chic kinda look, if that’s what your dark, little heart calls for. Whatever. Maybe the kids have pissed you off and you don’t want people to talk to you. Scary makeup is a tool. I may have to try that sometime, actually…
No shame, Mamas.
I just wanted to say that because I paused in between each of these steps, I was approximately 5 minutes later than planned to help my husband pick out his clothes and dress my 3 kids. (They didn’t even match!) And that led to us being approximately 45 minutes late to a cookout. And I still showed up with White Trash Eyes. So you understand my need for fast, right?
In case you’re feeling particularly sad for me, please don’t. I have subscribed to Ipsy for some better makeup crap. (And I probably will only use the samples sizes they send and never buy anything full sized. I will also probably cancel it after months of paying for it without realizing they stopped sending it. Like my gym membership. And Hulu. It is just generally a bad idea for me to subscribe to anything.)
Disclaimer: I’m not endorsing any of this shit. Doing this is a horrible life choice. But you gotta do what you gotta do.